The death of Marie Osmond’s 18-year-old son is shocking. Some are itching to point a finger and place the blame somewhere. Anywhere. As though they are privy to all the facts.
Many people are still old school about how they understand depression – that it is a combination of a dysfunctional home life which prevents a person from learning how to cope in a larger and more complex environment such as school, work and, ultimately, the world.
Yes, they are all factors. But how many are willing to entertain the possibility that there might be more to depression than that? For instance, I know many who still scoff at the idea of treating depression with drugs. Not too long ago, I used to think that way too. But, some ten years ago, I heard a first-hand account that made me reconsider my position.
I had a friend, a lawyer, who used to get bad migraine attacks. He told me how he took medication to manage the headaches but, after a few months on the medication, he noticed his tendency to feel depressed. He would shut himself in his home study, close all the curtains and turn off the lights, and he’d sit in the dark contemplating suicide. He thought it was work stress related.
After several months, for some reason, his doctor decided to change his migraine medication. A few weeks later, the suicidal moments totally vanished. And he told me that the culprit had been the old migraine medication which, somehow, wreaked havoc on his nervous system. My friend died a few years after that from cancer which was totally unrelated to the migraine attacks and the medication that made him feel suicidal.
My friend’s case might be an exception rather than the rule. Medical scientists are still in a quandary over the biological component of depression. Some suggest that rather than the chemical imbalance being the cause, it could a result of depression. A kind of which-came-first-the-chicken-or-the-egg thing which has not totally been threshed out.
What there seems to be little quarrel about is that despite the complexity of the causes of depression, environmental factors play a huge role. Society has become so complex that growing up has turned into a social and emotional gauntlet. High school, and even college, more than periods of self-discovery and journey to maturity can likewise be a journey toward self-destruction.
I see it everyday. Parents who push their children to do nothing but study, believing that outstanding academic performance is the only way to survive in the adult world, not realizing how they deprive their children of their childhood. I see it among teachers and school administrators who assign heavier school work than is necessary thinking that the only way for a student to find his true potential is to reach his breaking point.
I am a mother. My eldest is a college freshman; my second, the youngest, will graduate from high school this year. There had been years when they were honor students; there were others when they weren’t. And in the years when they weren’t, I never did nor said anything to make them think that I thought less of them or that they disappointed me. Surviving school with its various competing personalities, authorities and pseudo-authorities is hard enough and I always felt that they deserved what little space they had to enjoy their childhood without unnecessary stress.
It is unfair when arbitrary standards are set and everyone is pressured into abiding by them. Every person is different. Some bloom earlier; others, later. Some are academically inclined; others are geniuses in fields that are not even part of standard education. I’d say Steve Jobs and Bill Gates but I’m thinking you already know their stories. And it is just so unjust when we adults insist that the youth play by rules they never made.
Most will find it weird how I refuse to punish my children during times when they raise their voices at me in moments of anger or frustration. In my generation, that would be labeled as “bastos”, “walang modo” or “walang paggalang.” I say baloney. Adolescence is the time when our children deal not only with physical but emotional and hormonal changes.
Anger is an emotion and it is normal. Why suppress its expression? They key is to channel anger into a non-violent and non-destruction expression and, whenever possible, use it as a starting point for something productive and constructive. For instance, my daughter comes home from school in a fit because her classmates acted like total assholes. She is stormy and uncommunicative. Do I meet her mood with an equally bad mood? No. I leave her alone to let off steam. When she’s ready, we talk. And I help her deal with the negative emotions so that she’ll be able to cope with them better next time. That’s being the adult in such a situation. Just as it is being adult to understand that children don’t always get a handle on their emotions in one go. It is a process – a process that leads them away from depression.
Of course, not many people believe as I do. Not in this conservative society we live in where most still equate parenthood with unquestionable and total authority, and where children are only obliged to obey. But, see, if children ought to be punished for angry and high-strung emotions triggered by hormonal changes, it should be okay with us adults to allow ourselves to be punished for undergoing pre-menstrual syndrome, menopause and andropause. No double standards. Can you deal with that?
It’s really tragic when someone takes his or her own life because of depression. What’s even more disturbing is that many are out there suffering from depression and anxiety yet they ignore it for one reason or another.
Then all silence is broken by the sudden loss of life. Schools can help by strengthening their counselling services and make it more student-friendly instead of being labeled as the place one goes off to whenever he or she is in trouble at school.
Our educational system is sooooo old school. Instead of reaching out and helping, we’re still into punishing.
It’s a shame that teachers and counselors cannot see what is happening in our schools. It is dreadfully obvious when a person is suffering from depression and after this stage it is only a matter of time until that person does something drastic to them self or someone else. The sooner an effort is made to help students with these problems the better our society will be.
Here in Korea, the number of suicides are staggering. Most of the reasons for the suicide among kids (teenagers) are bullying and low grades in school. Yes, there are kids who hang themselves here because they did not get a perfect score. A lot of parents here expect a perfect score from their kids, even beating them when they get a mistake in their test questions. For adults, most of the reason for the suicide is the inability to pay their credit card debts/loans or the failure of their business venture. Some even resort to throwing their kids off their high-storey apartments and then killing themselves. It’s that bad here.
There seems to be a co-relation between a nation’s per capita income and suicide rate. The wealthier the nation, the more prone to depression (and suicide) its people because of inability to cope with standards.
I have friends from China and Korea who came to the US to study and they told me how rigorous their study schedule is. They go from morning until night working hard, with very little break. I can understand why the depression and suicide rate would be so high. There is too much pressure on students.
You have a point there re: parents pushing their children to do nothing but study. My son has a classmate who was depressed when he did not make it as an ATENEO Merit scholar… the boy was really great at Math ( medals in International Olympiads) but was not well-rounded and good in other subjects. Without knowing it the mom was sending out signals to the son that even though they could afford to send him to ATENEO as a paying student, she would rather have him study at UP if he was not a scholar…haaay!!
I do not push my son anymore…. sadyang meron na lang siya inner drive to excel, nasasayangan daw siya sa hard work niya in the past so he still studies hard but he plays hard too. alam mo naman ako… inang bigay-hilig!!
Time was when, after school, kids had time to play at home. I know I did. These days? Hay, naku… I always say that after office hours, employees are free not to think about work anymore. But students have to deal with homework, projects, papers… All that load cannot be justified anymore by saying that it’s just preparation for the real world because employees aren’t made to work at home.
For instance, my daughter comes home from school in a fit because her classmates acted like total assholes. She is stormy and uncommunicative. Do I meet her mood with an equally bad mood? No. I leave her alone to let off steam. When she’s ready, we talk. And I help her deal with the negative emotions so that she’ll be able to cope with them better next time. That’s being the adult in such a situation. Just as it is being adult to understand that children don’t always get a handle on their emotions in one go. It is a process – a process that leads them away from depression.
——–
I totally agree and this is exactly what I do and is very effective. To me, the sound of my voice, the words I use, and the timing of when to approach them is very important. And there’s a lot more to consider. Today, my two sons no longer talk back at me like they used to because the change started from me.
I remember posting an entry that illustrates this scenario well. Spent 10 minutes searching the archive but I managed to find it. Getting up on the wrong side of the bed.
Funny how a lot of parents still haven’t learned that the worst way to deal with a child’s bad mood is to meet him/her head on with an equally bad mood.
Yes, that’s a very useful post. Thanks for sharing.
Overseas, it’s a little bit of social stereotyping both inside and out of the home. Being Asian, you’re expected to excel in math, science, and the arts. Often the pressure is not so great to push kids into fatal decisions. But couple this with challenges like pimples and simply fitting in, and you’ll have one moody teenager in your hands. That’s when “new school” methods come in – like actually saying to your kids, “I love you.” Even in the toughest times, some parents withold the most supportive of expressions. It’s not a cure-all, but it certainly assures children that it’s not the end of the world.
My parents weren’t demonstrative. Nor expressive. It’s not that I resent it, they are what they are and I should accept that, but when I became a mother, I promised myself I wouldn’t follow their wrong examples.
my parents are like that too before when i was still a kid but now that i’m an adult they are more expressive and open-minded. especially my father, he raised us together with my older sister like spanish period style because this is how he was also raised by his father. natikman ko na yong sinturon at ipapaluhod ka sa harap ng altar everytime my sister and me would get into fights or misbehave. my younger sisters are so lucky coz they don’t get to experience the old school way. i guess my parents have realized that times have changed and that what they have experienced before with their parents do not practically apply now. like you, i don’t resent them either coz they are not totally bad parents just strict ones and without them i will not be where i am today. i have also promised myself when i get to have a family of my own i will not follow their “wrong examples”. hehehe!
That was how Speedy and his siblings were raised too. So was I, though to a lesser degree. A generation thing, like you say. But there are those among my own peers, raised in the same manner, who still follow BLINDLY the parenting style used on them by their own parents.
yeah! the passing from generation to generation cycle. i just hope your peers will be able to read this article and be enlightened. its never too late to change anyways. my parents were able to do. the results are very positive, aside from them having a harmonious relationship with us their children, it also do good to their relationship as a couple. they even act like they are newly wed. hehehe!
btw, i just read your entry “Getting up on the wrong side of the bed”. nice one! keep up the positive attitude on parenting. ms. connie di ka lang pala lawyer and cook, pwede ka rin pala maging parenting counselor.
typo error: “my parents were able to do that.”
forgot to type the last word.
Naku, baka atakihin sa puso ang mga conservative na school administrators hahahaha
i could imagine their reactions. hehehe!
I realized the importance of family during my growing up years. No matter how many relationships outside home were broken, I will still survive if I have a home to come to at the end of the day. A home which I can be myself, faults and all, and yet know that I will be accepted unconditionally. My parents aren’t expressive either but I know I can count on them. I’m not a cry baby but it’s comforting to know that when the going gets tough I have my family to run to. They may not solve my problem but a simple hug and tapik sa balikat is all I need to regain my energy to win my battle. Lucky are those who have supportive families. Even luckier are those who realized they have one.
But what if the source of stress is the family itself? For me this is the most difficult battle dahil no matter what, it’s a no win situation.
“But what if the source of stress is the family itself?”
There is an NGO (forgot which) that interviewed street children who have become drug addicts (rugby boys) and petty thefts. Seems the problem is a combination of poverty AND parents’ attitude.
re: parents pushing their kids to excel in academics
ms. connie have you remembered the promil kid Shaira Luna. di ba, she was dubbed as a whiz kid who could memorize the human anatomy as such a young age. i saw a documentary that featured her life story a few years back. it narrated how she was pressured on being called “gifted child” and how she missed her childhood life because of her status. contrary to the expectations of many, she wasn’t able to finish college and she is now into photography. good for shaira coz she did not result to suicide and total self-destruction and was able to channel it through photography. bottomline here, let kids be kids. let them live a normal and happy life.
you’re right ms. connie there are a lot factors surrounding depression. its a case to case basis. and we should just not judge right away certain situations. btw, here in our city, there’s 3 suicide incidents in one year that involves students coz of failed expectations.
This is one serious issue that I would like share my thoughts when I have the time, since failure is not an option for good reason.
Zara, is that a TV documentary? If you can recall the program, I’d like to search for it.
d0d0ng, we’re waiting…
i forgot the exact name of the tv program but i saw it in one of abs-cbn’s sister channel. i’m not really sure about this but just try “the correspondents”.
Hi Connie,
Very well said. I think being parents we only want the best for our children but sometimes we approach it in such a strict way that resentment is developed instead of learning. I make it a point that learning should be fun (though the teaching can be frustrating at times). I also want to encourage her strengths but sometimes it really is difficult to balance.
Check out the link below. Very interesting and amusing.
http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html
That is beautiful. I had to watch it twice. And now I have to write my column after seeing it. So, so inspiring.
Hi Maam Connie,
I truly commend you for being such a wonderful parent, not just because of raising such bright kids as yours but understanding the whole process of growing up, you’re not this typical old-fashioned parent but just the right one for your kids, the one who guides and understands.
I myself have been battling depression secretively for almost my adult life, but I’ve come to terms with it. I just hope that more parents would start understanding their kids and letting them grow as they want and should be.
ms. connie idol kita I learn a lot from you.. here in the philippines people with serious depression aren’t taken seriously, like “wala yan, lalagpas din yan,” “tawanan mo na lang,” or “ang arte mo naman, kaya mo yan.” most of the time people with depression keep it to themselves until they’re into deep they don’t know how to get out of the vicious cycle of worry and fear. without coping skills, the person would just fall back to the same mindset. it’s sad to see such people suffer. medications has its danger too, for people pop in a pill each time when they’re feeling out of control and need to relax, or give you a boost of energy to keep you on your feet but you’re not really there… though, kung para nga sa mahirap, “ganun talaga ang buhay…”
When our managing partner’s only son committed suicide, we understood the tragic result from failing to measure up to his achievements. The firm itself is a pressure cooker even to this day with different people long after he retired. The man grew up poor like Manny Villar, and meant well for his son to avoid his own hard experiences. After the tragedy, he went into private practice, headed the local Chamber of Commerce and recently honorary consul of 2 European countries.
It would seem tragedy fit as a result of tremendous pressures and very high expectations from the parent. One can easily place in the suicide victim but tragedy is for the living as my sister in law used to remind me. All I know tragedy just doesn’t make sense at all especially to parents of a large family who are otherwise supportive of the children’s education and career choices and yet faced with a different but continuing tragedy.
Before Tatay died, he shared his heavy feeling of my own 3 siblings. “Where did I go wrong”? I had no answer. See, there were seven of us and sending us to college was not a small feat. All the three have their own families (with children), no jobs and live on my parents resources. Nanay promised to cut-off the support system but relented when she took over the expanded household after Tatay. She is in her late 70s, a retired teacher and yet runs the small inherited farm in Mindanao, keeps the rice dried, milled and bring it along with other produce to Cebu to feed the household. None of the three wanted the farm either which to me is the lifeline to survival. Tatay’s parents were farmers and Tatay was the only one in five siblings who finished a degree after his parents died early. Nanay’s mom was a farmer and wanted better life for her. I said earlier failure is not an option for good reason. I would have been a farmer, and so my 2 uncles that I never met (Rafael Seguis at DFA and Vicente, a World Bank senior analyst).
Most kids have no idea what they are good at, do not have talent, or do not know their passions just like me. But it should not stopped them from making excellent grades even in the run of the mill education. It brings 2 things; patience and hardwork that can open up opportunities. If you have talent or know your passion just like Monique Lhuillier, you have nothing to worry coz the world is waiting for you. If not, you have to demonstrate you can meet expectations whether you like it or not – simply to produce on deadline. Stress is not a totally a bad idea, especially parents as the source. Other people are far cruel than your parents. It is farfetched to think one can survive the real world without surviving the foremost educator- the parents. It can help a person to navigate problems not taught otherwise in school.
Sass, your special relationship with your daughters is very admirable and shining example.